the clear blue waters of our youth trickle down into the dry earth.

hello photo :)

oh, dang...you know what's coming. yeeeaaahhhhh...
























1&2: I think these two pictures could possibly be a part of series on women's rights. I walked into my sewing class the other day and the room was completely empty and dark except for one machine in a corner. It was suprisingly scary in that room in that moment. I think the pictures have a haunting/ghostly tone. I see the potential for a story.

3: Good Friday. Burton and the wonderful green glow on the inside with the nice complimentary splash of the red carpet. Erin doesn't like this picture, but I think she's beautiful.

4: Amanda and I made some amazing cake Friday night at her house.

5: My old home's back yard on Easter morning.

6: Sleepyheads during the normal service after breakfast and the early service. I told the pastor he was going to have to make that sermon a little more engaging next time. I was joking, of course.

7-10: Egg hunt!

11: nap with the nana bear

After

the early morning wake-up calls
the hilltop sunrise service
the oversized breakfast with blueberry scones, hashbrown casserole, and scambled eggs
the sea of pastel people in their Sunday bests leaving solemn pews
the hunt, the frenzied scramble
the sum of snapshots and silly poses
the sleepy, sunny hum of a drive home

We finally kicked off our shoes, dresses and slacks for more comfortable
attire and napped into the late afternoon. :)

bluh bluh bluh.
i'm trying to write a personal essay and nothing I write on paper corresponds to what i'm thinking in my head. there's this gap that i can't seem to bridge with coherent expression. i'm just typing nonsense that goes and makes no sense to anyone but myself...kind of like this post.

heart strings

Some folks from Burton jammed at our house this morning and sang this song and my heart ached:

What wondrous love is this, O my soul, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this
That caused the Lord of bliss
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul!

When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down
Beneath God’s righteous frown,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul for my soul,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul.

To God and to the Lamb I will sing, I will sing;
To God and to the Lamb I will sing;
To God and to the Lamb,
Who is the great I AM,
While millions join the theme, I will sing, I will sing,
While millions join the theme, I will sing.

And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on;
And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on.
And when from death I’m free
I’ll sing His love for me,
And through eternity I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on,
And through eternity I’ll sing on.


And these too:
"There Is a Fountain Filled with Blood"
"Before the Throne"
"Jesus Paid It All"

The perfect love and sacrifice of Jesus is beyond my comprehension but not beyond my belief.

lament

Nightmares--lots and lots of nightmares.

First one, I remember: I'm at my parents' house and it's nighttime and we should be sleeping or at least that's the impression I have in the dream, but instead we're waiting for something. We're also watching and peeking outside from the ledges of windows and through the cracks in doors. Then suddenly I'm outside, by myself and a brown van pulls into our driveway and men start to attack me. I'm trying to scream through the cracks in one of their hands, but my voice just sounds like a normal speaking sound.

There's also one where this dude is abusing show lions and then he turns the lions loose and they try to attack me and everyone else in this auditorium thing.

Then there was one with tornados--even a double tornado. All I remember is that Brittany and I are living in this different place in my hometown, but it's old and really run-down and we're trying to hide in the house to be safe from the storm, but we just keep running around and looking outside at the tornados that are coming closer to us.

There was another one last night, but it's fuzzy. A house is burning down and maybe I'm inside, but I know others are there.

In another one, I'm in Opryland, this old themepark that was tore down years ago. It feels larger than life and I'm looking at everything through a recording or I'm videotaping--strange. At one point I get in line to get on my favorite ride, The
Grizzly River Rampage, but it's different than I remember and for some reason I'm on the raft all by myself and it starts to deflate and I start to fall off into the rushing water.

And, there's been more but I can't remember. These have all been in the past week. I'm not sleeping well and I think they're reflecting all the anxiety I'm feeling toward my future. I'm praying for peace. :( God tells us not to worry, but sometimes it's hard to give it all to Him.

Argued with my mother again about moving. Not pleasant.

This is funny:







For sewing class today we met at Hancock Fabrics and our professor helped us select patterns for our final project. I'm making a dress and a pencil skirt...and praying I don't kill the sewing machine in the process. Sometimes that damn contraption feels like a dirty villian that's winding my soul around a spool...And I want to SCREAM! But, I mustn't do that because then sweet Mrs. Carrico would glide swiftly to my station and remind me that mistakes teach us patience and that sewing is all about the experience. Bah! Sewing was bliss for awhile and suddenly, out of nowhere, it wasn't so splendid anymore. On a brighter note, I am making progress on the kid pajamas. It was nice not to be behind the whole time. Anyway, here are my patterns. Despite my obvious disdain, I am a bit excited:





Sarah, I might need help. I'm scared. hmmm.

Okay, so big deal. Today I was thinking in my car (I do a lot of thinking in there) that I want to be used by God so bad. I mean, I really want to have spiritual conversations with people and Bam! like that, it happened. This afternoon when I got home I noticed Rondell on his front porch swing and I always walk over to say hi. At first it was the usual "How's college?" "How's life?" ordeal, but out of nowhere he started talking to me about "The Secret." Of course I'm thinking, "What the crap is 'The Secret?'" Well, evidently Oprah has "The Secret," and Rondell of course has "The Secret." Turns out "The Secret" is like a Prosperity Gospel of some sort. He was saying that he pictures things in his mind that he wants like parking places or the new cabin that he and his wife are building and those things happen. I didn't know what to say. (Okay let me disclaim the first part of this post when I say I was thinking in my car that I wanted to be used by God and Bam it happened. I am not referring to the same thing. I am petitioning God within his will. I'm not just saying "God I want this and I want that and thinking that he'll provide that thing no matter what). Of course I fumbled over my words and mumbled something like I think we should rely on God's will instead telling God what we want and expecting exactly what we ask for. I don't know. This is a discussion that's been coming up a lot in conversations lately. I mean, we should pray expectantly, but within God's will, but what does that even mean? You know what I mean? My mind gets all tripped up on the specifics, and maybe I'm making it too hard. I know, I don't agree with Rondell. The funny thing is that last night I was reading James including Chapter 4:13 which states:

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit" --yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that."

So, I mean Scipture is clear. There's also Proverbs 16:9 which states, "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." And! In my Paul class I remember talking about when Paul desires to go to a certain province or city, and for the life of me I can't remember where this is, but the Spirit of the Lord stops him. So despite our plans or desires God will reconcile our steps to his plan. Right? I think that relates to the fact that I keep telling people, including my parents, that unless God puts a big foot down and says, "No!" then I'm going to Louisville. I've been desiring to be there for over two years. It's funny to look back over my journals and see that there. Sometimes, I know that my own desires are decieving, but I have faith that what God wants will be accomplished. He is God, after all.

Man, I think I just over-blogged. When I get started, sometimes it's hard to stop because my mind goes in all these frenzied directions.

Okay, so a few more things about Rondell. He and his wife are both Mormon and so that made for some intersting insights as well. He insisted that I take a copy of the Book of Mormon and he also gave me some of the church's fliers. I told him that I'd take it, but that I might want to ask him questions later. He seemed excited. I also asked if it was okay to ask him about inconsistencies that I find between that book and the Bible. He said he'd love to talk about it. Again, Sarah, I might need your help. He claimed that the Bible and the Book of Mormon are congruent and rely on each other and that we can better understand the Gospel through the Book of Mormon. I don't agree with that. It was a very interesting conversation. Hummm.

Also I had a brief discourse on Hinduism/Buddhism/Christianity in my creative writing class yesterday. Stuff is happenin' everywhere and my mind's feeling a little crazy. I keep reminding myself that it's not about what I have to say, but about how God can work and and soften people's hearts through me. I want people to know Christ. Really. It's exciting.

I need to write a resume tonight. I'm avoiding the inevitable.


I'm falling in love with Tegan and Sara's album The Con all over again and some of the Silversun Pickups' songs.

Others I've enjoyed as of late:

an old one, Radiohead-"Fake Plastic Trees"
and a new one, Bonny "Prince" Billy--"The World's Greatest"
also Rufus Wainwright

So long, Lace. Really you must, restrain yourself.

"Taffy stuck and tongue tied..."

Brittany would rather count crows than listen to the Counting Crows, but I will always love them partly for sentimental reasons, partly just because I think they're awesome. Tonight my Pandora station played "Colorblind." Man, I haven't heard that song in so long. It brings back so many memories.

So friends, there's lots to say, but no organized way to say it. The only way I know how to get my point across sometimes is to leave you with impressions of how I'm feeling...and today has been full of emotion. Hmmm...am I making any sense?

First, how could something so adorable be so terribly evil?

we do not typically allow her to drink out of coffee cups.

Random interplaced thoughts:
I like the smell of crayons and Play-Doh.
Today has been a good music day...
"those baid-aid children chased your dog away..."
and this song, which i might add, inspired the title of this blog:

Latter Days

What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be. Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy. And I use these words pretty loosely. There's so much more to life than words.
There is a me you would not recognize, dear. Call it the shadow of myself. And if the music starts before I get there dance without me. You dance so gracefully. I really think I'll be o.k. They've taken their toll these latter days.

Nothin' like sleepin' on a bed of nails. Nothin' much here but our broken dreams. Ah, but baby if all else fails, nothin' is ever quite what it seems. And I'm dyin' inside to leave you with more than just cliches.
There is a me you would not recognize, dear. Call it the shadow of myself. And if the music starts before I get there dance without me. You dance so gracefully. I really think I'll be o.k. They've taken their toll these latter days.
But tell them it's real. Tell them it's really real. I just don't have much left to say. They've taken their toll these latter days. They've taken their toll these latter days.

--Over the Rhine

There's a creative endeavor in the making. Brittany talked about making a collaborative effort of my writing and her drawings. I am at liberty to fashion stories from the mud of my mind and she will, in turn, supplement acclectic, breath-taking aesthetic. That's the plan, at least. For some reason, images of Amelia Earhart and seashores are flashing through my head. I think we'll focus on women....OH B! if you read this...Anne Grinstead! Dang...and so the fun begins. Excited.

I'm taking a plunge into the unfamiliar waters of spirituality for my creative writing class. I find it hard to talk about spiritual matters in most of my classes where most of my classmates have been burned by the church or adamantly voice a clear disdain for any sort of religious adherence, but I'm doing it....and I like it. It's about time I'm honest with my readers. Right? I've been feeling like a liar in the past, you know? Like I'm hiding the most important part about myself. The ideas of "leaving" and "losing" are also playing a major role in my up-coming piece. Here are a few excerpts:

"Your feet are sinking into the pavement.
And I'm running faster down Parkway Dr. past the neighbors's tree.
Then I rest into a steady pace beside the old rubble of a house, long forgotten, and finally run beyond the last mailbox on the right before the road slopes vertically to the main strip of street that leads to surrounding cities. You're behind me somewhere....

That's why this morning when I go jogging and you go walking and you fall behind because you can't move so fast anymore, it feels like I'm gone already. And I focus on the rhythm of my shoes against the ancient world beneath the beating--the sound of going. The sound of leaving. Breathing. The pull, the push, the inahle one, two, three, four and the exhale one, two, three, four of it. The life, the death, the moving forward."

"I lived like a walking apology--on tiptoes and with eyes wide open, always looking over my shoulder..."

This is a good tree:

Blah, blah, blah. I just talk about myself a lot.
Despite my arrogance and self-indulgence, God remains constant and ever-so good.