Babble

Real life conversation with the female dean of my college during a meeting before graduation:

She looks over my transcript and asks, "Oh, so you're a religious studies minor?"

"Yes," I say.

"What do you plan on doing with that?"

"Might go to Seminary."

She scans the details of the past five years of my college career. "Life of Paul. Don't you just hate Paul?"

I gulped and stared.

I wanted to tell her everything that I had learned in my Life of Paul class. How he didn't hate women and how he wouldn't hate her and how Jesus loves us all even if we are females. I wanted to tell her "sorry" for all the men that had said she couldn't do it, for all the men that told her she was stupid or not smart enough just because she wasn't born with a Y chromosone. I know how it feels and it sucks and it cuts deep, but that's not what Jesus meant. And that's not what Paul meant. But I couldn't say any of those things because I'm a coward and I struggle to believe it sometimes too.

For seven months I led a Jail Book Program in Bowling Green called "Books Behind Bars." The experience changed my life and the Women's Studies program has requested that I speak at a Genderations event on October 16th at Western Kentucky University. I'll be returning as an alumnus (that word is odd) and I think I might pee my pants. I'm scared. Not really because I'll be talking in front of people. That doesn't bother me much, but more because the people that I'll be talking to are hard core feminists. I'm supposed to talk about gender inequalities and how to resolve those issues. Ahhhhh! As a Christian, gender, and the roles that come with being a Christian woman have been one of the biggest areas of pride and confusion in my life...ever.

More than anything, I know that God has provided this opportunity to share his gospel. Why is that so intimidating? What am I scared of? I'm scared of not having answers for those women who are angry, hurt, and pretty much pissed off at a doctrine that says women are in any way under men. How do I say that's okay?

I guess I don't. I mean, I struggle with it too. Not to mention the historical boundaries that we're met with in the Bible. I think that I forget that I don't have to dive into all of that. Grace come first. I believe the Bible, so I believe that men and women are different. That's a huge difference between myself and the people that will probably be listening to me talk.

I think I keep forgetting that the biggest and most important difference is Jesus, and He, Thank God, covers all the gaps. I don't have to.

Please don't get me wrong, this presentation, won't even touch the surface of half the stuff I'm venting about here. But I will be talking about literature and how some of the books I used in the club addressed conflicts between gender and religion. I'll also be talking about a book that preaches the reconciliation that comes through Christ. (I don't even think the Women's Studies Program realized that I was bringing texts like that into the jail.) Just stressed. And for no reason. If I believe gospel, then I believe God is on my side. I don't answer to anyone but Him.

This is simply my mental digression.

Please pray that I'm loyal to God's calling in this situation and not my own fear.