"what comes is better than what came before"

(i thought i saw you in the computer lab
and my heart almost jumped out of my shirt...
and then i did see you
and what a frenzy it was...)

finals are over.
one thing on my mind.
what to do?

i am so tired.

stream of consciousness:
high school faces
and two kinds of soup.
mullet hair
baby spit-up
feeling weird
fair trade basket and chocolate
jennifer took home Larissa's print....and she said she had never been more happy with dirty santa...
i was happy for her.
tucker....and you...and I wonder how you felt there with all of them...?
curvy roads
two jeeps equal confusion...?
i equal awkward
so many familiar people that i don't really know
orange soda
old eyes of hate....will she ever forgive me?
gossip, oh small town gossip...i hate it.
i long to get lost in the streets of a big city.

eek.

whenever i have a lot to do....i usually have plenty of time for blogging.
i'm avoiding the inevitable.
aghghghghgghghghghg..
(insert frustration here)
i finished the one paper...now two more to go.
how do i get myself into these pitiful situations?
i'm pathetic, that's what i am.
BLUH.
ready for christmas.
ready for a new start.
ready for some fresh air.
i'm sick of this computer screen.
barf.

i'm missing people.
listening to imogene heap.
erhg.
must do my work.

Lacey!

write the dang paper.
But.!
I don't want to write the paper!

Sometimes we must do things we don't want to do...in order to do the things we really truly want to do.

I must finish these assignments if I want to enjoy christmas break.

it seems so far away.
One day and a half.
I have until tomorrow at four to get everything done!
oh, dear God, give me strength and motivation.
endure, I must.

blowin' smoke

i know, i know. twice in the same day.
i'm feeling sad. just plain sad.
sentimental?
nostalgic?
sad.
sometimes my mind just thinks and twists and turns and still can't figure out life, i mean....life.
what is life?
life.
life.
I just say it over and over again in my head and it makes no sense but makes perfect sense all at the same time...and then there's God..in the middle of everything--in the middle of life....at the center.
my heart aches...ya' know.
i'm thinkin about all the people i never really got a chance to know.
i feel like i've only touched my feet to the water of life...to some people....
i take no risks.
what would happen if i actually stepped out into the unknown?
i play it safe.
and i hate it.
i hate regret.
i regret not living this life enough.
how do i begin?
how does it end?
i want to burrow deep beneath the surface of people...ya' know?
really get to know their hearts.
i see my beautiful friends and sometimes i feel like i don't even know them...

i want something to change.

God has promised joy and life everlasting.
what a beautiful thing.

"What a haven of rest to enter, after having passed through the storms and tempests of this world,in which pride, and selfishness, and envy, and malice, and scorn, and contempt,and contention, and vice, are as waves of a restless ocean, always rolling, and often dashed about in violence and fury! What a Canaan of rest to come to, after going through this waste and howling wilderness, full of snares, and pitfalls, and poisonous sepents, where no rest could be found!" (Edwards).

i still can't get enough of brandi carlile....ummm.

what?!

epitaph, epigraph, epilogue.

epigraph: a quotation set at the beginning of a literary work or one of its divisions to suggest its theme

epitaph: a brief statement commemorating or epitomizing a deceased person or something past

epilogue: a concluding section that rounds out the design of a literary work

I just spent over twenty minutes on google and an online dictionary trying to figure out which three of these were which. Epigragh was what I was looking for.

"When a trout rising to fly gets hooked on a line and finds himself uanbleto swim about freely, he begins with a fight which results in struggles and splashes and sometimes an escape. Often, of course, the situation is too tough for him.
"In the same way the human being struggels with his environments and with the hooks that catch him. Sometimes he masters his difficulties; sometimes they are too much for him. His struggles are all that the world sees and it naturally misunderstands them. It is hard for a free fish to understand what is happening to a hooked one".
--Karl A. Maenninger (the epigraph to Potok's, The Chosen)

I should be studying, but instead I am here...with nothing to say...besides some comment on the weather...ha!
Today I woke up from my nap and my hair was insane as usual and I told my roommates that my hair looked "nappy".
ha ha. today....i have managed to be extremely weird.
i have a leaky ceiling. I had a leaky closet last year. I guess it's only fitting that I should live in the leaky room this year too. old houses...fun but sometimes falling apart!

I've come to terms with the fact that I am a very nervous person. We did a skit for church this morning and I think I almost wet my pants....maybe it wasn't that bad...but I was really scared.
When I was in high-school I used to audition for All-District Band and one time I got so nervous in the audition room that my leg started to spasm!
not kidding.
I really wish I could get over it...but it remains a struggle.
That also reminds me of this time in bible study.
I was a freshman and really shy...a lot more shy than I am now...and I had to hold hands with this guy I liked and I swear my hand almost had a seizure.
I kept thinking, "I wonder if my palms are sweaty?! What if he feels my pulse speeding up?! What if he knows I like him?! Crap....Focus on prayer...focus on prayer....". The more I began to panic the more my hand started to shake. I have never been more mortified in my life...well maybe...but this was bad.

One more week of school and I can't wait to be finished.
This time next week it will all be over.
I just have to keep telling myself that.

so much to tell

we decorated the tree! christmas party with hanson and burnt sugar cookies...pretty much amazing.



family.




met wendell berry.....whoa!!! amazing. i swooned over an old man.




hometown parade. yep. i went...and most definitely filled up my pockets with candy like a small child...yes.







my grandfather and cousin were inducted as deacons into my church...it was a neat day


















oh, betsy...we had a little going away party for betsy boo boo and it was sad. nuff said.




"life party" gone bad....turned into family stone snuggle fest



scary patty



and finally, I decorated my dresser for christmas