I have got to stop wearing my feelings on my sleeve.
I have to put things into perspective.
College will be over soon.
I won't see most of these people anymore.

I met Wendell Berry. woot.
That was exciting.
I think it was the highlight of my semester and I'm not kidding.
I told my best friend the exciting story and she kindly reminded me that I was a complete dork.
Yeah. I agree with her.

i miss her.
i miss that connection.
life.
such a strange thing.

"The world is babbled to pieces after
the divorce of things from their names".
--Wendell Berry

urban happenings

I officially finished season three of the office!
whoa.
cause to rejoice....the suspense has been ruining my life.

i left some stuff at my parent's house over the break and my mom decided to meet me halfway with my things at a gas station tonight.
she decided to fill up her car while she was there.
I go over to talk to her and she asks me if i saw the dog in the car next to us. well no.
i don't normally stare people down at gas stations. it's a bit creepy.
She says, "The man that has him seems awful proud of him".
my mom has a soft spot for animals.
so naturally I look over.
I should have known better.
There's this man in a tiny white junker with a convertible hood and he, like the dog is staring at us with a goofy grin on his face.
I give a half hearted smile and turn back around, slightly emabarrassed.
Next thing I know...he's out of the car standing beside my mom, holding the poor dog.
What do you say?
He just keeps talking about the dog and then out of nowhere he asks, "you ever seen a dog drink beer?". My mom puts her head down almost laughing and I'm like, "nope".
"Well this here buddy'll chase the can across the floor".
I'm thinking, poor dog.
Then he just stands there.
The cars on $39.00 and still going.
Awkward.
I thanked him for showing us the dog.
He just stands there...smiling.
eh.
Finally, the gas clicks off...and me and my mom jet inside.
There was another man with the poor dude paying for gasoline inside.
He was buying two packs of light beer....one for the dog I guess...and mom swears he smelt like alcohol.


four girls with four families equals a refrigerator full of thanksgiving leftovers.

fast break, break fast.

"they're keeping us in suspicion". That's what my mom said as a detective show we were watching breaked for a commercial.

i've managed to lose one of my favorite cds. (Iron and Wine...The Creek Drank the Cradle)
I can count the number of cds I've ever lost on one hand:

Moulin Rouge Soundtrack
Spiderman Soundtrack
Celin Dion (Christmas album)
and now, Iron and Wine sadly makes the list.

I don't feel like it's time to decorate for Christmas.
I don't feel like I should only have a year left in school. What have I learned?

I'm so sick of wrtiting papers.
This year has been one paper after the other and I hate it. Why am I an English major again? I could read all day...but when it comes to scholarly writing...I could vomit....literally...I think it makes me sick. Maybe that's a bit overdramatic...maybe not.
honestly...i hate writing papers.
i've worried about them constantly all year long.
still haven't heard anything back about the english department job. don't think i will.

oh.
Do you ever get one of those haircuts and it makes your stomach turn?
yeah...i have one.
It's so short.
I feel like a boy.
What makes it worse it that I actually liked my hair and merely wanted a trim...but things didn't turn out so great.
I've learned that hairdressers in general are a touchy subject.
Over the summer I woke up one morning and knew that something had to be done with my hair. It was driving me crazy. It was long and stringy and just unbearable.
So, first off, I went to the beauty school where one of my friends works to see is she could cut it. Nope, she was out with the other stundents watching a tutorial or something like that. Okay. Next, I went to a girl who does a really good job, but isn't always the nicest person in the world. She couldn't fit me into her schedule. I was desperate. Something had to be done. Then! I thought of my cousin. I had completely forgot that she does hair. So I went to Great Clips where she works and...of course...she wasn't working that day. The lady behind the counter told me I could come back tomorrow when she was working or she could do it for me. I almost walked out the door...then turned around and told her to go for it. She did an amazing job. She took off seven inches and I loved it. I told her that I didn't really care what it looked like....just to get rid of all of it. And she did. And I liked it.....best hair cut ever. I even got hit on at burger king afterwards. I felt like a new woman.
But...hair grows.
so....went back to great clips...no sign of the lady but my cousin was there. What was I supposed to tell her?
no, I don't want you to cut my hair.
ugh.
why didn't a call beforehand?
such an ugly situation.
she's only been out of beauty school now for several months.
I could tell she was scared when I sat down in the chair.
I was scared too.
She tried....but it just looked bad.
I wanted it to look good....but it just looked awful.
So, I called my mom and she said that I could stop by and see a hairdresser at home....mom said she would shape it up for me.
Oh, she shaped it up all right.
Right to the top of my head.
One side is shorter than the other....i feel violated.
bad hair just makes everything else bad.
bluh.
thank God hair grows.
My mom told me to take my vitamins and it might grow faster.
she's always looking for an excuse to tell me to take my vitamins.

on a totally different note: I ate way too much food for thanksgiving.
after the third potluck I felt like I was building consumption stamina...not a good thing.
I'll be glad to be back on a regular eating routine.

it's the little things, ya' know. tonight i was grocery shopping and instead of spicy cheezits i bought reduced fat wheat thins. small decision. major difference.
i love cheezits.
i lose control with cheezits.
wheat thins i can handle.

being healthy is so hard.
being moderate is so hard.

i think that my office infatuation is un-healthy. tonight patty and i made certain homework goals that we had to meet before we could watch another episode. sad, i know.

p.s.

sara lee cinnamon raisen bagels with philadelphia cheesecake cream cheese.
try it.
you'll thank me later.

thought overload....be warned.

a blog.
what is the purpose of a blog?
to write down thoughts.
to disucss....things.
to stay in touch with people.
to vent.
to communicate absract thoughts on screen that do not make sense in my head.
to waste time.
to avoid homework.
to write.
to be honest.
these are all good things.



moving along.

guilty pleasure: the office. need I say more.
i can't stop watching it.
ahg. consuming my life...ridiculous...and I hate tv...except for cooking and home improvement shows...and the office...
i can't help myself.
it's nothing short of brilliant.
leave it to the british to think of it first.

my favorite part: no audience. i hate other television series with a background audience that laughs everytime something is supposed to be funny.
i can chose when to laugh.
and when not to.
(i love how i feel no obligation to abide by any sort of grammar rules on here....fragmetns abound)



my mom and grannie brought over "big mamma" tonight.
"Big Mamma" is a big white christmas tree that i got from a charity at work last year.
she's about eight feet tall...fluffy...sparkly...begging for chirstmas cheer. huh. love it.

i have been pretty bitter about the holiday madness...but something over the weekend kind of nudged that christmas spirit out of hiding and let's just say i'm a little excited.
just a wee bit.

i can't wait to decorate the tree.
i think the roommates and i are going to have a little celebration.
bake some cookies, play some cheesey christmas music (hanson maybe?) and
decorate the tree.
so it's white...right?
and i bought these really cool retro ornaments last year...all different colors...bright...fun.
yeah...can't wait.

i applied for the english department job...but haven't heard anything back yet.
also got my schedule for old navy next week....bluh. after thanksgiving day shoppers are the worst. yuck.

tomorrow is monday.
today is sunday.

someone once said that she didn't feel like she was the person her heart wanted to be.
i feel like that all the time.

i'm so sick of bg.
so sick of this place.
i want to move far away and grow.
far away.
i never thought i would feel like that.
but it's there.
this nagging...insistent...tug to leave.

i need some more pictures for this thing.
add some aesthetic punch. :)

Write!
write write write write write.

practice makes perfect.
no practice makes permanent. my band director used to say that all the time.

i have a plant named Herby.

today i was driving behind a cop on my way from scottsville to bg. All of a sudden he throws on his breaks and acts like he's going to turn onto the other side of the road....(four lane highway) anyway...then he realizes that the person he thought was speeding was actually another cop.
ha.
cops.
funny stuff.

"there's nothing new under the sun"
this is so true!
even the really brilliant things that i read...i usually find somewhere else.
example:
Elie Wiesel talks about the haunting feeling of a fairground after everyone has left....a place full of life now empty and vacant....i felt like i had read this somewhere before...and i was right.
that paper i was writing from last semester was on naturalism.
Shewood Anderson, in Winesburg, Ohio, makes the exact same metaphor...his, though, was made much earlier.

"There is something memorable in the experience to be had by going into a fair ground that stands at the edge of a Middle Western town on a night after the annual fair has been held. The sensation is one never to be forgotten. On all sides are ghosts, not of the dead, but of living people....The place has been filled to overflowing with life. It has itched and squirmed with life and now it is night and the life has all gone away. The silence is almost terrifying"(Anderson, 226).

"The street resembled fairgrounds deserted in haste....Open rooms everywhere. Gaping doors and windows look out into the void. It all belonged to everyone since it no longer belonged to anyone....An open tomb" (Wiesel, 17).

You know it's true. Fair grounds are a sad sight after the life has left. Once there, now gone. a haunting image.

I was thinking of another instance...but forgot.

Isn't life weird?

I took a nap today and all I kept thinking in my head was "one life" "one life"....i have one life.
what am i doing?
one life!
aghh.

a day of rest

this day, which i might add is no longer sunday, has been long.
But!
i finally finished a paper that has been hanging over my head since last semester.
I have been a terrible student and i'm slowly but surely trying to recover.

For the past few weeks I've had wrinkles under my eyes.
yes wrinkles.
i'm twenty-one!
too young for wrinkles!
aghh.
i hope they go away.
if not, i am becoming haggard at far too young an age.
let's hope i don't start growing gray hair anytime soon. :(

hay you.

snapshots in my mind:

hay
the night was bright
marshmallows
across the universe
hazel fell onto the wagon laughing.
i found hay in my underwear
two hot dogs
one smore
then some more....talking.
oh talking.
(i can't believe it's almost christmas)
j.t. in the kitchen




hayrides are the best.
in the middle of nowhere you could see the lights of the city...a taunting glow of civilization.
i was proud to be away from it all.
proud to see the sky... for the first time.
i feel as if life is swelling up inside of me. like a marshmallow.
when me heart is warm it swells and reaches to the very tips of my fingers.
i am alive.
(my parents came to bowling green this morning because i asked them to come. weird. there was an auction on college street and i asked my dad to come. and he came. and it meant a lot. they both came. and we had the best time. we didn't buy anything, but we were together and it was fun. the house sold. the speakers were too loud. the lady had so many books...and none of them very good. the lady hadn't died yet. my dad, after looking at all the books said, "if someone ever auctions off our stuff, they'll be like, 'Look at all that stuff...how does anyone have so much stuff'"?
how does anyone accumulate so much stuff?
all the stuff we think is important and it just gets sold off to the highest bidder.
my mom called tonight and my dad asked to speak to me.
he thanked me for inviting him.
it was a weird feeling.
an adult feeling.
maybe just a mature feeling.
him thanking me was almost like he was acknowledging that i had grown up.
weird.
can't describe it.
we've been to auctions before.
this was different.
?)



i bought a candle.
nutmeg and pomander? i think that's the name.
amazing.
it's scent is swelling to the corners of the living room...and i like it. :)

i wish candles could warm a room.
because this house is cold.

a fire flies into my face
like a burning feather.

i'm making no sense at all. i think it's time for bed.

oh, but...!
here are some picture i've been meaning to post:

our mantle at halloween..:)



i love this picture of jodie

the candle...ummm

dill pickle

just read my email. there's a job opening in the english department for someone to help run the desk. should i apply? I'm so sick of Old Navy and just the thought of having to be there makes me want to hurl. blek. I've been asking God to give me some direction...but i really don't know. I don't think i would get the english job, anyway...so many people usually apply for it. ugh.
i don't know.

on a brighter note:
miss b and I went out for breakfast this morning at Waffle House.
she had cheese and eggs with raisin toast and hashbrowns. and coffee of course.
i had a waffle and two scrambled eggs. delicioso. oh and milk. i love milk.
it was nice, but i felt distrated the whole time, like i couldn't focus. sometimes i do that...who knows.

i'm supposed to meet with one of my professors in about an hour to talk about a paper that i don't even have a topic for yet. that should be fun.

i want to paint my room grey. i found a picture in a magazine that is exactly what I want but it doesn't tell the color. :(

rearranged my room last night. this is the third of fourth time i've moved things around. the room just feels wrong. something doesn't flow. Although last night, Erin commented, "Lacey, I do believe your room has arrived". I'm not so sure.

i feel like i only talk about myself...and that is boring.
i want to be more creative when I write...:(
maybe i should put events into poetry.

morning:

elbows on the table
photos on the wall
eggs and toast
and tall glasses of two percent milk
with syrup
and sleepiness
and sticky fingers.
the light from windows on
table tops and
through lenses
into memory.
my belly full.
your words full
of life
and my words
a little dull
because it's morning
and i'm tired.

not so sure what this face means

november nonsense

I make mixed tapes instead of cds.
I read home decorating magazines.
I eat Tuna Helper.
I procrastinate.
I am trying not to be fake in a very plastic world.

hazel

i'm listening to anathollo's (spelling?) hymn cd...amazing....beautiful...love it.

my feet are cold.
my heart is warm. :)

i don't think anyone reads this, except miss b of course.

one of my relatives from indiana is town...well in my hometown...and this afternoon she stopped by my old home.
she walks in the door, stares at the floor and says, "bunions".

Bunions?
excuse me? what?

"you're getting bunions on your feet. When you get older that's what happens...i had to have surgery to correct mine", she continues.
she's looking straight at my mother's feet.

who has the audacity to walk into someone's home and without blinking insult another person's feet? hazel does.

by the way, bunions are when the joint of your big toe becomes inflamed...and p.s. my mom doesn't have them.
this woman is senile and lacks any sort of social manners.

my mom looks down and says, "well, i don't see what you're talking about".
hazel screeches, "right there, on your big toe".
this is in a circle of several people.
my mom could have killed her.
i could have too.
ridiculous...this woman.

my dad kept saying all afternoon, "i try to love her...but it's so hard".
she's one of those people who drains that life out of every situation.
i think she is unhappy and because of that she seizes every opportunity to make everyone else feel bad too.

the first time I met her she asked me how i was.
(reasonable question)
I said, "I'm good". I think I was a sophomore in high-school.

She snaps, "honey, you are not good...none of us are good...say you're well".

okay, thank you hazel.
just please never ask me any other questions again.

gosh.

one of my favorite hymns: Wondrous love...hmmmm. my soul aches.
"What wondrous love is this...oh my soul"

today...i had to fill up the old jeep before driving back to bg. I paid twenty dollars...yes twenty dollars my friends, for 6.6 gallons of gasoline.
also ridiculous.
"to God and to the lamb i will sing....to God and to the Lamb who is the great I Am." :)

i love to sing.

i'm leaving for bible study soon...so I think that's all for now.