Mere mortal ponderings

Just finished Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking. The material is absolutely heart-breaking. The non-fiction piece investigates the year following the sudden death of her husband, John. Much of the book consists of Didion working things out in her own head. The reader comes to face to face with a very personal grief process. Although the book is focused solely on death, mourning, and how individuals deal with both, her writing is beautiful throughout. The following is perhaps the most poignant and tragic section of exposition in the whole text:

Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes....Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaningless itself. (189)

After reading passages such as this, I have no choice but to cling to I Thessalonians 4:13: "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep."

I don't think our grief is diminished as Christians, but in the midst of loss we're reminded that God has promised eternal salvation and glory for those who love Him. We're more than friends, siblings, daughters, sons, husbands and wives; we're children of the living God. Our hope is in His promises. This world is passing away and so are our fragile bodies. Despite knowing these things and perhaps repeating them for comfort in times of tribulation, we will still encounter pain, loss, the death of loved ones, and eventually our own peronsal unravelings. We are in fact incredibly and undeniably, human. Even C.S. Lewis after the loss of his wife makes it very clear, that as followers of Christ, death can shake our faith tremendously and make us question the very foundations of the world.

Didion mentions Lewis at least twice in her work...

I'm currently in love with the first chapter of Colossians, particularly 1:15-20.

mondays and migraines.

Most of the time moving seems like a great idea, the only idea, really. I can't stay here. But at times, I think about the moments when the new of everything will wear away. I know it's going to hurt...bad. I know I'll cry...a lot. But, this is what I have to do. I love my family, so much. I can't even mention boxes to my mom without her getting teary-eyed. I don't want to hurt them and I don't think they understand. It's not about them. If I could, I'd pack them up and take them with me. :) Maybe. That might be a little weird. Anyway. I will miss them and all of the others that are so dear. God give me strength.

I feel like there's so much to blog about, but I think my really long blogs are annoying. so, i'm trying to keep it short.

Bought a book on gnomes:

Songs on repeat in my head:

Sufjan Stevens: "Casimir Pulaski Day"

"...In the morning through the window shade

When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade

I could see what you were reading...

"Oh the glory when he took our place

But he took my shoulders and he shook my face

And he takes and he takes and he takes."

And i woke up singing the words to "Chicago" in my head this morning. It could be because I looked up apartments in Chicago yesterday. What if I moved there? Big change that would be.

Benjamin Gibbard: "You Remind Me of Home"

"Exploration" from the Coraline soundtrack

Cocteau Twins: "Ivo"

Fleet Foxes: "Innocent Son"

Inoj: "Love You Down" (This song is olllllldddd)

Mark Kozelek: "You Ain't Got a Hold On Me"

Lately....I'm happy, but there's an undercurrent of hesitation. Something whispers, "Shhh....don't get so excited. Things could crumble...things are crumbling and you just don't know it yet."

snippets

Let's just say that my relationship with Fleet Foxes was not one of "love at first listen." My appreciation of their work took some time. Last night I purchased their EP album Sun Giant, and it is...beautiful.

Two days ago the appliance man came to our apartment and produced one single bra underwire from the belly of our ailing washing machine. That's not embarrassing at all.

We started cutting out the patterns for our dresses yesterday. I purchased a pretty periwinkle fabric. Oh, and I had this brilliant idea. So you know how we have the "understood you" in the English language? Example: Go to the store or take me to the game! In both cases the subject of the sentence is an implied "you." So the sentences could be constructed like so: You go to the store or you take me to the game! What if we had the "understood I?" It's used all the time! You encounter it abundantly in creative works because sometimes it makes sentences more lyrical and succint, although they're not technically sentences and I personally use it all the time as well. Watch and see how this works (that was just a use of the "understood you").

Took the dog to the vet today. She was not happy about it and neither was I.

or

Visited Hancock's last week to decide on the fabric for my final project. Man, I am so indecisive.

Neither of the first sentences technically has a subject. I think the concept also lends itself to a more conversational tone. Just an idea.

Had a dream last night that I was in a thrift store and kept finding all this money in old purses and I couldn't decide if I should keep it or return it to the store. An overly-guilty conscience haunts my existence.

Accidentally come across this poster online and loved it:

the clear blue waters of our youth trickle down into the dry earth.

hello photo :)

oh, dang...you know what's coming. yeeeaaahhhhh...
























1&2: I think these two pictures could possibly be a part of series on women's rights. I walked into my sewing class the other day and the room was completely empty and dark except for one machine in a corner. It was suprisingly scary in that room in that moment. I think the pictures have a haunting/ghostly tone. I see the potential for a story.

3: Good Friday. Burton and the wonderful green glow on the inside with the nice complimentary splash of the red carpet. Erin doesn't like this picture, but I think she's beautiful.

4: Amanda and I made some amazing cake Friday night at her house.

5: My old home's back yard on Easter morning.

6: Sleepyheads during the normal service after breakfast and the early service. I told the pastor he was going to have to make that sermon a little more engaging next time. I was joking, of course.

7-10: Egg hunt!

11: nap with the nana bear

After

the early morning wake-up calls
the hilltop sunrise service
the oversized breakfast with blueberry scones, hashbrown casserole, and scambled eggs
the sea of pastel people in their Sunday bests leaving solemn pews
the hunt, the frenzied scramble
the sum of snapshots and silly poses
the sleepy, sunny hum of a drive home

We finally kicked off our shoes, dresses and slacks for more comfortable
attire and napped into the late afternoon. :)

bluh bluh bluh.
i'm trying to write a personal essay and nothing I write on paper corresponds to what i'm thinking in my head. there's this gap that i can't seem to bridge with coherent expression. i'm just typing nonsense that goes and makes no sense to anyone but myself...kind of like this post.

heart strings

Some folks from Burton jammed at our house this morning and sang this song and my heart ached:

What wondrous love is this, O my soul, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this
That caused the Lord of bliss
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul!

When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down
Beneath God’s righteous frown,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul for my soul,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul.

To God and to the Lamb I will sing, I will sing;
To God and to the Lamb I will sing;
To God and to the Lamb,
Who is the great I AM,
While millions join the theme, I will sing, I will sing,
While millions join the theme, I will sing.

And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on;
And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on.
And when from death I’m free
I’ll sing His love for me,
And through eternity I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on,
And through eternity I’ll sing on.


And these too:
"There Is a Fountain Filled with Blood"
"Before the Throne"
"Jesus Paid It All"

The perfect love and sacrifice of Jesus is beyond my comprehension but not beyond my belief.

lament

Nightmares--lots and lots of nightmares.

First one, I remember: I'm at my parents' house and it's nighttime and we should be sleeping or at least that's the impression I have in the dream, but instead we're waiting for something. We're also watching and peeking outside from the ledges of windows and through the cracks in doors. Then suddenly I'm outside, by myself and a brown van pulls into our driveway and men start to attack me. I'm trying to scream through the cracks in one of their hands, but my voice just sounds like a normal speaking sound.

There's also one where this dude is abusing show lions and then he turns the lions loose and they try to attack me and everyone else in this auditorium thing.

Then there was one with tornados--even a double tornado. All I remember is that Brittany and I are living in this different place in my hometown, but it's old and really run-down and we're trying to hide in the house to be safe from the storm, but we just keep running around and looking outside at the tornados that are coming closer to us.

There was another one last night, but it's fuzzy. A house is burning down and maybe I'm inside, but I know others are there.

In another one, I'm in Opryland, this old themepark that was tore down years ago. It feels larger than life and I'm looking at everything through a recording or I'm videotaping--strange. At one point I get in line to get on my favorite ride, The
Grizzly River Rampage, but it's different than I remember and for some reason I'm on the raft all by myself and it starts to deflate and I start to fall off into the rushing water.

And, there's been more but I can't remember. These have all been in the past week. I'm not sleeping well and I think they're reflecting all the anxiety I'm feeling toward my future. I'm praying for peace. :( God tells us not to worry, but sometimes it's hard to give it all to Him.

Argued with my mother again about moving. Not pleasant.

This is funny:







For sewing class today we met at Hancock Fabrics and our professor helped us select patterns for our final project. I'm making a dress and a pencil skirt...and praying I don't kill the sewing machine in the process. Sometimes that damn contraption feels like a dirty villian that's winding my soul around a spool...And I want to SCREAM! But, I mustn't do that because then sweet Mrs. Carrico would glide swiftly to my station and remind me that mistakes teach us patience and that sewing is all about the experience. Bah! Sewing was bliss for awhile and suddenly, out of nowhere, it wasn't so splendid anymore. On a brighter note, I am making progress on the kid pajamas. It was nice not to be behind the whole time. Anyway, here are my patterns. Despite my obvious disdain, I am a bit excited:





Sarah, I might need help. I'm scared. hmmm.

Okay, so big deal. Today I was thinking in my car (I do a lot of thinking in there) that I want to be used by God so bad. I mean, I really want to have spiritual conversations with people and Bam! like that, it happened. This afternoon when I got home I noticed Rondell on his front porch swing and I always walk over to say hi. At first it was the usual "How's college?" "How's life?" ordeal, but out of nowhere he started talking to me about "The Secret." Of course I'm thinking, "What the crap is 'The Secret?'" Well, evidently Oprah has "The Secret," and Rondell of course has "The Secret." Turns out "The Secret" is like a Prosperity Gospel of some sort. He was saying that he pictures things in his mind that he wants like parking places or the new cabin that he and his wife are building and those things happen. I didn't know what to say. (Okay let me disclaim the first part of this post when I say I was thinking in my car that I wanted to be used by God and Bam it happened. I am not referring to the same thing. I am petitioning God within his will. I'm not just saying "God I want this and I want that and thinking that he'll provide that thing no matter what). Of course I fumbled over my words and mumbled something like I think we should rely on God's will instead telling God what we want and expecting exactly what we ask for. I don't know. This is a discussion that's been coming up a lot in conversations lately. I mean, we should pray expectantly, but within God's will, but what does that even mean? You know what I mean? My mind gets all tripped up on the specifics, and maybe I'm making it too hard. I know, I don't agree with Rondell. The funny thing is that last night I was reading James including Chapter 4:13 which states:

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit" --yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that."

So, I mean Scipture is clear. There's also Proverbs 16:9 which states, "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." And! In my Paul class I remember talking about when Paul desires to go to a certain province or city, and for the life of me I can't remember where this is, but the Spirit of the Lord stops him. So despite our plans or desires God will reconcile our steps to his plan. Right? I think that relates to the fact that I keep telling people, including my parents, that unless God puts a big foot down and says, "No!" then I'm going to Louisville. I've been desiring to be there for over two years. It's funny to look back over my journals and see that there. Sometimes, I know that my own desires are decieving, but I have faith that what God wants will be accomplished. He is God, after all.

Man, I think I just over-blogged. When I get started, sometimes it's hard to stop because my mind goes in all these frenzied directions.

Okay, so a few more things about Rondell. He and his wife are both Mormon and so that made for some intersting insights as well. He insisted that I take a copy of the Book of Mormon and he also gave me some of the church's fliers. I told him that I'd take it, but that I might want to ask him questions later. He seemed excited. I also asked if it was okay to ask him about inconsistencies that I find between that book and the Bible. He said he'd love to talk about it. Again, Sarah, I might need your help. He claimed that the Bible and the Book of Mormon are congruent and rely on each other and that we can better understand the Gospel through the Book of Mormon. I don't agree with that. It was a very interesting conversation. Hummm.

Also I had a brief discourse on Hinduism/Buddhism/Christianity in my creative writing class yesterday. Stuff is happenin' everywhere and my mind's feeling a little crazy. I keep reminding myself that it's not about what I have to say, but about how God can work and and soften people's hearts through me. I want people to know Christ. Really. It's exciting.

I need to write a resume tonight. I'm avoiding the inevitable.


I'm falling in love with Tegan and Sara's album The Con all over again and some of the Silversun Pickups' songs.

Others I've enjoyed as of late:

an old one, Radiohead-"Fake Plastic Trees"
and a new one, Bonny "Prince" Billy--"The World's Greatest"
also Rufus Wainwright

So long, Lace. Really you must, restrain yourself.