"what comes is better than what came before"

(i thought i saw you in the computer lab
and my heart almost jumped out of my shirt...
and then i did see you
and what a frenzy it was...)

finals are over.
one thing on my mind.
what to do?

i am so tired.

stream of consciousness:
high school faces
and two kinds of soup.
mullet hair
baby spit-up
feeling weird
fair trade basket and chocolate
jennifer took home Larissa's print....and she said she had never been more happy with dirty santa...
i was happy for her.
tucker....and you...and I wonder how you felt there with all of them...?
curvy roads
two jeeps equal confusion...?
i equal awkward
so many familiar people that i don't really know
orange soda
old eyes of hate....will she ever forgive me?
gossip, oh small town gossip...i hate it.
i long to get lost in the streets of a big city.

eek.

whenever i have a lot to do....i usually have plenty of time for blogging.
i'm avoiding the inevitable.
aghghghghgghghghghg..
(insert frustration here)
i finished the one paper...now two more to go.
how do i get myself into these pitiful situations?
i'm pathetic, that's what i am.
BLUH.
ready for christmas.
ready for a new start.
ready for some fresh air.
i'm sick of this computer screen.
barf.

i'm missing people.
listening to imogene heap.
erhg.
must do my work.

Lacey!

write the dang paper.
But.!
I don't want to write the paper!

Sometimes we must do things we don't want to do...in order to do the things we really truly want to do.

I must finish these assignments if I want to enjoy christmas break.

it seems so far away.
One day and a half.
I have until tomorrow at four to get everything done!
oh, dear God, give me strength and motivation.
endure, I must.

blowin' smoke

i know, i know. twice in the same day.
i'm feeling sad. just plain sad.
sentimental?
nostalgic?
sad.
sometimes my mind just thinks and twists and turns and still can't figure out life, i mean....life.
what is life?
life.
life.
I just say it over and over again in my head and it makes no sense but makes perfect sense all at the same time...and then there's God..in the middle of everything--in the middle of life....at the center.
my heart aches...ya' know.
i'm thinkin about all the people i never really got a chance to know.
i feel like i've only touched my feet to the water of life...to some people....
i take no risks.
what would happen if i actually stepped out into the unknown?
i play it safe.
and i hate it.
i hate regret.
i regret not living this life enough.
how do i begin?
how does it end?
i want to burrow deep beneath the surface of people...ya' know?
really get to know their hearts.
i see my beautiful friends and sometimes i feel like i don't even know them...

i want something to change.

God has promised joy and life everlasting.
what a beautiful thing.

"What a haven of rest to enter, after having passed through the storms and tempests of this world,in which pride, and selfishness, and envy, and malice, and scorn, and contempt,and contention, and vice, are as waves of a restless ocean, always rolling, and often dashed about in violence and fury! What a Canaan of rest to come to, after going through this waste and howling wilderness, full of snares, and pitfalls, and poisonous sepents, where no rest could be found!" (Edwards).

i still can't get enough of brandi carlile....ummm.

what?!

epitaph, epigraph, epilogue.

epigraph: a quotation set at the beginning of a literary work or one of its divisions to suggest its theme

epitaph: a brief statement commemorating or epitomizing a deceased person or something past

epilogue: a concluding section that rounds out the design of a literary work

I just spent over twenty minutes on google and an online dictionary trying to figure out which three of these were which. Epigragh was what I was looking for.

"When a trout rising to fly gets hooked on a line and finds himself uanbleto swim about freely, he begins with a fight which results in struggles and splashes and sometimes an escape. Often, of course, the situation is too tough for him.
"In the same way the human being struggels with his environments and with the hooks that catch him. Sometimes he masters his difficulties; sometimes they are too much for him. His struggles are all that the world sees and it naturally misunderstands them. It is hard for a free fish to understand what is happening to a hooked one".
--Karl A. Maenninger (the epigraph to Potok's, The Chosen)

I should be studying, but instead I am here...with nothing to say...besides some comment on the weather...ha!
Today I woke up from my nap and my hair was insane as usual and I told my roommates that my hair looked "nappy".
ha ha. today....i have managed to be extremely weird.
i have a leaky ceiling. I had a leaky closet last year. I guess it's only fitting that I should live in the leaky room this year too. old houses...fun but sometimes falling apart!

I've come to terms with the fact that I am a very nervous person. We did a skit for church this morning and I think I almost wet my pants....maybe it wasn't that bad...but I was really scared.
When I was in high-school I used to audition for All-District Band and one time I got so nervous in the audition room that my leg started to spasm!
not kidding.
I really wish I could get over it...but it remains a struggle.
That also reminds me of this time in bible study.
I was a freshman and really shy...a lot more shy than I am now...and I had to hold hands with this guy I liked and I swear my hand almost had a seizure.
I kept thinking, "I wonder if my palms are sweaty?! What if he feels my pulse speeding up?! What if he knows I like him?! Crap....Focus on prayer...focus on prayer....". The more I began to panic the more my hand started to shake. I have never been more mortified in my life...well maybe...but this was bad.

One more week of school and I can't wait to be finished.
This time next week it will all be over.
I just have to keep telling myself that.

so much to tell

we decorated the tree! christmas party with hanson and burnt sugar cookies...pretty much amazing.



family.




met wendell berry.....whoa!!! amazing. i swooned over an old man.




hometown parade. yep. i went...and most definitely filled up my pockets with candy like a small child...yes.







my grandfather and cousin were inducted as deacons into my church...it was a neat day


















oh, betsy...we had a little going away party for betsy boo boo and it was sad. nuff said.




"life party" gone bad....turned into family stone snuggle fest



scary patty



and finally, I decorated my dresser for christmas

I have got to stop wearing my feelings on my sleeve.
I have to put things into perspective.
College will be over soon.
I won't see most of these people anymore.

I met Wendell Berry. woot.
That was exciting.
I think it was the highlight of my semester and I'm not kidding.
I told my best friend the exciting story and she kindly reminded me that I was a complete dork.
Yeah. I agree with her.

i miss her.
i miss that connection.
life.
such a strange thing.

"The world is babbled to pieces after
the divorce of things from their names".
--Wendell Berry

urban happenings

I officially finished season three of the office!
whoa.
cause to rejoice....the suspense has been ruining my life.

i left some stuff at my parent's house over the break and my mom decided to meet me halfway with my things at a gas station tonight.
she decided to fill up her car while she was there.
I go over to talk to her and she asks me if i saw the dog in the car next to us. well no.
i don't normally stare people down at gas stations. it's a bit creepy.
She says, "The man that has him seems awful proud of him".
my mom has a soft spot for animals.
so naturally I look over.
I should have known better.
There's this man in a tiny white junker with a convertible hood and he, like the dog is staring at us with a goofy grin on his face.
I give a half hearted smile and turn back around, slightly emabarrassed.
Next thing I know...he's out of the car standing beside my mom, holding the poor dog.
What do you say?
He just keeps talking about the dog and then out of nowhere he asks, "you ever seen a dog drink beer?". My mom puts her head down almost laughing and I'm like, "nope".
"Well this here buddy'll chase the can across the floor".
I'm thinking, poor dog.
Then he just stands there.
The cars on $39.00 and still going.
Awkward.
I thanked him for showing us the dog.
He just stands there...smiling.
eh.
Finally, the gas clicks off...and me and my mom jet inside.
There was another man with the poor dude paying for gasoline inside.
He was buying two packs of light beer....one for the dog I guess...and mom swears he smelt like alcohol.


four girls with four families equals a refrigerator full of thanksgiving leftovers.

fast break, break fast.

"they're keeping us in suspicion". That's what my mom said as a detective show we were watching breaked for a commercial.

i've managed to lose one of my favorite cds. (Iron and Wine...The Creek Drank the Cradle)
I can count the number of cds I've ever lost on one hand:

Moulin Rouge Soundtrack
Spiderman Soundtrack
Celin Dion (Christmas album)
and now, Iron and Wine sadly makes the list.

I don't feel like it's time to decorate for Christmas.
I don't feel like I should only have a year left in school. What have I learned?

I'm so sick of wrtiting papers.
This year has been one paper after the other and I hate it. Why am I an English major again? I could read all day...but when it comes to scholarly writing...I could vomit....literally...I think it makes me sick. Maybe that's a bit overdramatic...maybe not.
honestly...i hate writing papers.
i've worried about them constantly all year long.
still haven't heard anything back about the english department job. don't think i will.

oh.
Do you ever get one of those haircuts and it makes your stomach turn?
yeah...i have one.
It's so short.
I feel like a boy.
What makes it worse it that I actually liked my hair and merely wanted a trim...but things didn't turn out so great.
I've learned that hairdressers in general are a touchy subject.
Over the summer I woke up one morning and knew that something had to be done with my hair. It was driving me crazy. It was long and stringy and just unbearable.
So, first off, I went to the beauty school where one of my friends works to see is she could cut it. Nope, she was out with the other stundents watching a tutorial or something like that. Okay. Next, I went to a girl who does a really good job, but isn't always the nicest person in the world. She couldn't fit me into her schedule. I was desperate. Something had to be done. Then! I thought of my cousin. I had completely forgot that she does hair. So I went to Great Clips where she works and...of course...she wasn't working that day. The lady behind the counter told me I could come back tomorrow when she was working or she could do it for me. I almost walked out the door...then turned around and told her to go for it. She did an amazing job. She took off seven inches and I loved it. I told her that I didn't really care what it looked like....just to get rid of all of it. And she did. And I liked it.....best hair cut ever. I even got hit on at burger king afterwards. I felt like a new woman.
But...hair grows.
so....went back to great clips...no sign of the lady but my cousin was there. What was I supposed to tell her?
no, I don't want you to cut my hair.
ugh.
why didn't a call beforehand?
such an ugly situation.
she's only been out of beauty school now for several months.
I could tell she was scared when I sat down in the chair.
I was scared too.
She tried....but it just looked bad.
I wanted it to look good....but it just looked awful.
So, I called my mom and she said that I could stop by and see a hairdresser at home....mom said she would shape it up for me.
Oh, she shaped it up all right.
Right to the top of my head.
One side is shorter than the other....i feel violated.
bad hair just makes everything else bad.
bluh.
thank God hair grows.
My mom told me to take my vitamins and it might grow faster.
she's always looking for an excuse to tell me to take my vitamins.

on a totally different note: I ate way too much food for thanksgiving.
after the third potluck I felt like I was building consumption stamina...not a good thing.
I'll be glad to be back on a regular eating routine.

it's the little things, ya' know. tonight i was grocery shopping and instead of spicy cheezits i bought reduced fat wheat thins. small decision. major difference.
i love cheezits.
i lose control with cheezits.
wheat thins i can handle.

being healthy is so hard.
being moderate is so hard.

i think that my office infatuation is un-healthy. tonight patty and i made certain homework goals that we had to meet before we could watch another episode. sad, i know.

p.s.

sara lee cinnamon raisen bagels with philadelphia cheesecake cream cheese.
try it.
you'll thank me later.

thought overload....be warned.

a blog.
what is the purpose of a blog?
to write down thoughts.
to disucss....things.
to stay in touch with people.
to vent.
to communicate absract thoughts on screen that do not make sense in my head.
to waste time.
to avoid homework.
to write.
to be honest.
these are all good things.



moving along.

guilty pleasure: the office. need I say more.
i can't stop watching it.
ahg. consuming my life...ridiculous...and I hate tv...except for cooking and home improvement shows...and the office...
i can't help myself.
it's nothing short of brilliant.
leave it to the british to think of it first.

my favorite part: no audience. i hate other television series with a background audience that laughs everytime something is supposed to be funny.
i can chose when to laugh.
and when not to.
(i love how i feel no obligation to abide by any sort of grammar rules on here....fragmetns abound)



my mom and grannie brought over "big mamma" tonight.
"Big Mamma" is a big white christmas tree that i got from a charity at work last year.
she's about eight feet tall...fluffy...sparkly...begging for chirstmas cheer. huh. love it.

i have been pretty bitter about the holiday madness...but something over the weekend kind of nudged that christmas spirit out of hiding and let's just say i'm a little excited.
just a wee bit.

i can't wait to decorate the tree.
i think the roommates and i are going to have a little celebration.
bake some cookies, play some cheesey christmas music (hanson maybe?) and
decorate the tree.
so it's white...right?
and i bought these really cool retro ornaments last year...all different colors...bright...fun.
yeah...can't wait.

i applied for the english department job...but haven't heard anything back yet.
also got my schedule for old navy next week....bluh. after thanksgiving day shoppers are the worst. yuck.

tomorrow is monday.
today is sunday.

someone once said that she didn't feel like she was the person her heart wanted to be.
i feel like that all the time.

i'm so sick of bg.
so sick of this place.
i want to move far away and grow.
far away.
i never thought i would feel like that.
but it's there.
this nagging...insistent...tug to leave.

i need some more pictures for this thing.
add some aesthetic punch. :)

Write!
write write write write write.

practice makes perfect.
no practice makes permanent. my band director used to say that all the time.

i have a plant named Herby.

today i was driving behind a cop on my way from scottsville to bg. All of a sudden he throws on his breaks and acts like he's going to turn onto the other side of the road....(four lane highway) anyway...then he realizes that the person he thought was speeding was actually another cop.
ha.
cops.
funny stuff.

"there's nothing new under the sun"
this is so true!
even the really brilliant things that i read...i usually find somewhere else.
example:
Elie Wiesel talks about the haunting feeling of a fairground after everyone has left....a place full of life now empty and vacant....i felt like i had read this somewhere before...and i was right.
that paper i was writing from last semester was on naturalism.
Shewood Anderson, in Winesburg, Ohio, makes the exact same metaphor...his, though, was made much earlier.

"There is something memorable in the experience to be had by going into a fair ground that stands at the edge of a Middle Western town on a night after the annual fair has been held. The sensation is one never to be forgotten. On all sides are ghosts, not of the dead, but of living people....The place has been filled to overflowing with life. It has itched and squirmed with life and now it is night and the life has all gone away. The silence is almost terrifying"(Anderson, 226).

"The street resembled fairgrounds deserted in haste....Open rooms everywhere. Gaping doors and windows look out into the void. It all belonged to everyone since it no longer belonged to anyone....An open tomb" (Wiesel, 17).

You know it's true. Fair grounds are a sad sight after the life has left. Once there, now gone. a haunting image.

I was thinking of another instance...but forgot.

Isn't life weird?

I took a nap today and all I kept thinking in my head was "one life" "one life"....i have one life.
what am i doing?
one life!
aghh.

a day of rest

this day, which i might add is no longer sunday, has been long.
But!
i finally finished a paper that has been hanging over my head since last semester.
I have been a terrible student and i'm slowly but surely trying to recover.

For the past few weeks I've had wrinkles under my eyes.
yes wrinkles.
i'm twenty-one!
too young for wrinkles!
aghh.
i hope they go away.
if not, i am becoming haggard at far too young an age.
let's hope i don't start growing gray hair anytime soon. :(

hay you.

snapshots in my mind:

hay
the night was bright
marshmallows
across the universe
hazel fell onto the wagon laughing.
i found hay in my underwear
two hot dogs
one smore
then some more....talking.
oh talking.
(i can't believe it's almost christmas)
j.t. in the kitchen




hayrides are the best.
in the middle of nowhere you could see the lights of the city...a taunting glow of civilization.
i was proud to be away from it all.
proud to see the sky... for the first time.
i feel as if life is swelling up inside of me. like a marshmallow.
when me heart is warm it swells and reaches to the very tips of my fingers.
i am alive.
(my parents came to bowling green this morning because i asked them to come. weird. there was an auction on college street and i asked my dad to come. and he came. and it meant a lot. they both came. and we had the best time. we didn't buy anything, but we were together and it was fun. the house sold. the speakers were too loud. the lady had so many books...and none of them very good. the lady hadn't died yet. my dad, after looking at all the books said, "if someone ever auctions off our stuff, they'll be like, 'Look at all that stuff...how does anyone have so much stuff'"?
how does anyone accumulate so much stuff?
all the stuff we think is important and it just gets sold off to the highest bidder.
my mom called tonight and my dad asked to speak to me.
he thanked me for inviting him.
it was a weird feeling.
an adult feeling.
maybe just a mature feeling.
him thanking me was almost like he was acknowledging that i had grown up.
weird.
can't describe it.
we've been to auctions before.
this was different.
?)



i bought a candle.
nutmeg and pomander? i think that's the name.
amazing.
it's scent is swelling to the corners of the living room...and i like it. :)

i wish candles could warm a room.
because this house is cold.

a fire flies into my face
like a burning feather.

i'm making no sense at all. i think it's time for bed.

oh, but...!
here are some picture i've been meaning to post:

our mantle at halloween..:)



i love this picture of jodie

the candle...ummm

dill pickle

just read my email. there's a job opening in the english department for someone to help run the desk. should i apply? I'm so sick of Old Navy and just the thought of having to be there makes me want to hurl. blek. I've been asking God to give me some direction...but i really don't know. I don't think i would get the english job, anyway...so many people usually apply for it. ugh.
i don't know.

on a brighter note:
miss b and I went out for breakfast this morning at Waffle House.
she had cheese and eggs with raisin toast and hashbrowns. and coffee of course.
i had a waffle and two scrambled eggs. delicioso. oh and milk. i love milk.
it was nice, but i felt distrated the whole time, like i couldn't focus. sometimes i do that...who knows.

i'm supposed to meet with one of my professors in about an hour to talk about a paper that i don't even have a topic for yet. that should be fun.

i want to paint my room grey. i found a picture in a magazine that is exactly what I want but it doesn't tell the color. :(

rearranged my room last night. this is the third of fourth time i've moved things around. the room just feels wrong. something doesn't flow. Although last night, Erin commented, "Lacey, I do believe your room has arrived". I'm not so sure.

i feel like i only talk about myself...and that is boring.
i want to be more creative when I write...:(
maybe i should put events into poetry.

morning:

elbows on the table
photos on the wall
eggs and toast
and tall glasses of two percent milk
with syrup
and sleepiness
and sticky fingers.
the light from windows on
table tops and
through lenses
into memory.
my belly full.
your words full
of life
and my words
a little dull
because it's morning
and i'm tired.

not so sure what this face means

november nonsense

I make mixed tapes instead of cds.
I read home decorating magazines.
I eat Tuna Helper.
I procrastinate.
I am trying not to be fake in a very plastic world.

hazel

i'm listening to anathollo's (spelling?) hymn cd...amazing....beautiful...love it.

my feet are cold.
my heart is warm. :)

i don't think anyone reads this, except miss b of course.

one of my relatives from indiana is town...well in my hometown...and this afternoon she stopped by my old home.
she walks in the door, stares at the floor and says, "bunions".

Bunions?
excuse me? what?

"you're getting bunions on your feet. When you get older that's what happens...i had to have surgery to correct mine", she continues.
she's looking straight at my mother's feet.

who has the audacity to walk into someone's home and without blinking insult another person's feet? hazel does.

by the way, bunions are when the joint of your big toe becomes inflamed...and p.s. my mom doesn't have them.
this woman is senile and lacks any sort of social manners.

my mom looks down and says, "well, i don't see what you're talking about".
hazel screeches, "right there, on your big toe".
this is in a circle of several people.
my mom could have killed her.
i could have too.
ridiculous...this woman.

my dad kept saying all afternoon, "i try to love her...but it's so hard".
she's one of those people who drains that life out of every situation.
i think she is unhappy and because of that she seizes every opportunity to make everyone else feel bad too.

the first time I met her she asked me how i was.
(reasonable question)
I said, "I'm good". I think I was a sophomore in high-school.

She snaps, "honey, you are not good...none of us are good...say you're well".

okay, thank you hazel.
just please never ask me any other questions again.

gosh.

one of my favorite hymns: Wondrous love...hmmmm. my soul aches.
"What wondrous love is this...oh my soul"

today...i had to fill up the old jeep before driving back to bg. I paid twenty dollars...yes twenty dollars my friends, for 6.6 gallons of gasoline.
also ridiculous.
"to God and to the lamb i will sing....to God and to the Lamb who is the great I Am." :)

i love to sing.

i'm leaving for bible study soon...so I think that's all for now.

hold up!

oh my, oh my.
sportin' the skeleton shirt today....yes, mam'. (is that how you spell mam'?)
it's officially halloween.
miss b and I put fake tattoos on this morning...but i think they're making us itch...:(

anyway.

watched Rosemary's Baby. creepy. gross. spare yourself.

confession:
i had candy for breakfast. i'm such a health advocate.

branches.

i'm not loving the cold so much anymore.
i appreciate the cool, not so much the cold.
our bathroom has developed into a separate atmosphere. Because our house is so cold and we take such hot showers to compensate for being cold, water gathers on the ceiling and continues to drip through most of the day. Thus...we have rain in our bathroom....sort of. (maybe that's a bit of a stretch)

so i was excited that my dog's tumors were going to be removed, but unfortunately one of them was embedded so terribly that the doctors had to amputate her leg. :(
It's weird.
animals.
I love buffy.
and I am sad that her leg is gone....but i feel embarrarssed for being so sad...like I shouldn't care so much. why is that? maybe because some people see a love for animals as silly? I don't know.
I know she's not a person, but I'd like to think that she feels and thinks and loves, in a way...and to think that she's hurting is tragic to me.
I tried to tell a few people today about it and I just felt silly....like there are bigger things to be sad about...

like the Holocaust

I'm re-reading Night for my Judaism class and it makes me sick.
the ability of the human race to participate in such an awful thing is appalling.
Wiesel recounts in his memoir about a man named Moishe the Beadle who had escaped German persecution and no one would believe him. No one wanted to believe him. Wiesel writes, "Even I did not believe him. I often sat with him after services, and listened to his tales, trying to understand his grief. But all I felt was pity".

That's how I feel.

I hope and pray that i never truly understand becuase to understand would be to expericence....
all i can feel is pity, perhaps compassion, sympathy...but not empathy. Even with all of the stories, I can't begin to place myself in any person's shoes that was actually there. I can't begin to imagine. (this makes me think of my love and friendhip class...)
Wiesel even talks about this incommunicable factor...an "it" factor...he can't express how he feels with words because what he experienced was far beyond words...

on another note:
Halloween was fun.
and, my friends, it's still not over.
there was a rock show saturday night and everyone put on his or her best disguise for the occasion. Here are a few snapshots:

this is my favorite

i went as an electrician

scary spice and a flapper

ha..ha

fun stuff.
i visited Katie and Johnna on Sunday and held the new babies....:)
life abounds...which is also weird.
two of my best friends have babies.
good but strange.

it is officially cold, my friends.
and i am officially loving it.
i need to invest in some warmer clothes, though.

seems like there was so much i wanted to write about last night, but now i'm at a loss...
my dog, buffy, is getting her tumors removed...that's exciting. (reference barley post)

i think i'm recovering a bit from the rut of this semester...or maybe the rut of the past year. don't get me wrong, i'm still miserably behind, but i'm being resasonable about what i can accomplish on a daily basis and trying to make that happen. i think i failed my judaism test yesterday....and i mean it. sometimes i say that...with hope...this time it's for sure.

my vehicle has no heat.

(at this point i'm just typing random things to pass time before my next class...so if you don't have the time for such nonsense i reccomend that you stop reading...Now. seriously)

things that scare me:

sponges--nasty little things

wind chimes--i think i associate them with that old movie, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle.

raw meat, esp. chicken--when i go to the grocery store i put those plastic bag things on my hands like gloves before even touching the packages...i'm not joking.

when someone pops his or her back-- don't know why.

talking to boys-- yep can't help it...scares me to death...i'm working on it, though..:)

leather jackets--?

dirty key boards-- like the one i'm typing on right now....ugh..greasy and yuck. think of all the germs...also scared of gas pumps for the same reason.



still obsessed with brandi carlile...i love the entire cd...no exceptions...and that doesn't happen very often.
i was thinking the other day that when i tell people that i love the counting crows they probably think i'm referring to their radio stuff--wrong--actually that's my least favorite of their music...the cd's are far better. if you haven't listened to some of their less mainstream stuff, you should.

i hate when i love songs but don't know who sings them.
like at work we play these mixes all the time, but i have no idea who sings them.
sometimes i can google them...sometimes there's a list in the back office but it doesn't clarify what is what....
work has played some good things here lately:

Tegan and Sara
the arcade fire
matt wertz
and some more stuff i can't remember right now.
(dang, there's one dude, what's his name?)

anyway..
this post has been completely pointless....pretty much.

oh!
so, i do believe that i am prone to live in houses with leaks.
all last year i lived in a room with a terrible leak in the closet.
the noise would keep me up at night....it molded...
i didn't have anywhere to store things.
the landlord never fixed the problem...they jut kept patching it up and then it would leak through again....
twice they told me it was fixed when they had only patched it and it leaked through on all my clothes....all my stuff....that was ALL last year.
anyway....told myself that at least this year we wouldn't have to deal with anything like that....i even told patty that the people that moved into our house were probably getting a little leak action during all of this rainy weather...and we laughed....
ha.
next day.
leak in the hallway...right outside my door....it's actually dripping off my door...crazy.
mabye our landlords will fix it this time...they seem more active than our last ones...who knows.

okay. time for class.

downpour

my sock is sinking
sinking
sinking
into the depths of my shoe.
ahg.
that is not pleasant.
must write an essay in less than two hours....
go!

week at a glance...literally.

words of interest this week:

muss: a mess; disorder. erin used this word tonight in reference to my hair.

egalitarian: advocating full political, social, and economic equality for all people. (i thought that's what it meant....a conversation over the weekend made me second guess myself... I would think that egalitarianism would be a positive thing...some seem to think otherwise...perhaps? interesting.)

mood for the day: nostalgic: when one longs for something far away or long ago; theme of this post.

I have lots to write about so i'm giving topics separate sub-headings! fun.


My Best Friend's Baby

my best friend had her baby boy last thursday, october 18th.
i was in the hopital room watching her withstand the pain of life...literally the pull of a life from inside her. I don't know if I want to have kids....ek. Scary.
We grew up together...we lived together for two years. This child, still unnamed, will change her life forever. She'll never be without its presence whether physical or only in her thoughts...forever. It makes us different...in a way.
I can't begin to understand what it feels like to bear the weight of someone else's life in my hands...in my heart...in my belly. :)
it is beautiful and weird.... i love this baby because i love her. I don't know who he'll become or what he'll be like but it's a piece of her. It's so weird to actually think about life. God gave humans the ability to reproduce...wow. crazy. oh well. Here are some pictures from the event:











anyway.
he's precious.
okay, then.

fall
i'm obsessed with fall and here lately i can't keep my eyes off the lovely orange tree in our neighbor's yard. i think i'm lusting after it a bit...just kidding. maybe not.

love affair.

the weather was warm again today and i've been telling people that i feel ripped off...and i want a refund..in full! It's not supposed to be warm in october!
(it's amazing how retail affects every part of my life...even my metaphors...)

"i spend all day hiding my heart away" brandi carlile....i love this woman...she speaks to my soul. PERFECT fall music. her words say the things my mind never lets me articulate... i love it.

she seems to have trouble with mornings, not unlike myself.
dread instead of hope...weight instead of relief...hm.

sidenote: there's a hidden track on her new cd....good stuff.

Why can't I cling to the promise: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning..."?
-Lamentations, 3:23.
i feel like i can't shake these burdens....they hold on so tightly.
i seek mercy, renewal, refreshment, relief, a deep breath. I feel like every morning i pick up where i left off....hopelessly behind.
ahh.


moving along.

last topic, i promise

dance duo, roommate syle

today me and ernie danced like fools and i loved it.
i love blurry motion shots...they're so full of life.

fool/full...:)








then we decided to take pictures of ourselves in the mirror. vain yes. did that stop us...no.









today has been fun...and exhausting.
time for bed.

gun up.

i am a student.
i am a student at western kentucky university.
i am a student at western kentucky university and must do my homework.
i am a student at western kentucky university and must do my homework or i will fail.
i am a student=i will fail.
maybe not.

ha. bet you didn't see that coming.
i think everyone is in a rut.
i see it in the familiar faces around me. The pull of life...the struggle for survival amidst reality.
the labbie must be looking over my shoulder at my computer....because they just sent me a message telling me to get off because other people are in line....that's not cool.

so, there you go.

snot

my teeth feel insanely weird. hmmm?

word for the day: struggle.
struggle to breathe
struggle to think
struggle to focus
struggle to forgive
struggle to be happy
struggle to maintain sanity
struggle to love.

i work in the mall. i've seen too many shoppers in my day...too many. I was thinking about america and our current season of excess and about how my job contributes to that excess and how miserable that is.
You know that play? As Bees in Honey Drown....well yesterday, at work, all I could think about was: As Customers in Clearance Drown! I've said before and I'll say it again: The human race loses all morals at the sight of sales rack...it's amazing really.

anyway.

no more thoughts....i'm too tired.

eh.

my nose is a fountatin...no maybe a gusher. I can't even feel it. It's weird. And one of my eyes is all watery...i promise I'm not crying.
my computer completely crashed tonight. Thus Mass Media...is my friend.

there was no warning. I mean I've known for awhile that my spyware needed to be updated...but usually there's some indication that it's on the downhill slope....but NO.
no warning signs.
no slowing down...no weird messages until the dreadful moment. I'm talking complete wipe out in a matter of three minutes or less, maybe. amazing. tragic. I really hope I didn't lose everything on my hard drive. oooh. that thought hurts.

I don't usually work well in labs. I'm easily distracted.

sidenote: the time on this website is two hours slow.

I don't really know where I'm at in life right now. I'm not being very successful as a student....really, I'm not.
Today has been cold. I was begging for cooler weather and now I have that plus a cold (ha ha) and I'm complaining once again. Honestly, the only time today when I was truly warm was in the shower...and when I dried my hair. I just let the hair dryer run for awhile....ahh. then i was cold again.

actually, not cold now, because i'm in the computer lab, but that doesn't count because I don't really want to be here. I want to go home and be warm....not possible.
gosh. why am I typing again?
miserable rantings.

tsk, tsk.

yes, I'm posting twice in the same day. shameful, i know. get over it.


Bowling Green Sisters' Grimm
Once upon a time there were four ladies who lived in the west wing of a golden castle:


bo bo
pookie
ernie

and... laddie

They enjoyed the company of stray cats and loved to drink milk. It was custom in the house to break out crazy dance moves, sing silly songs, or color crazy pictures.
There was never a dull moment. Life was good.
And yes, they all wore African baskets on their heads.

these days are numbered...or something like that.

....have an appointment with the department head today aka my shakespeare and film professor. I have to break the news to her that I have yet to finish, much less begin, the paper that was due two days ago. Irresponsibility is queen! I don't think she accepts late assignments. I sense impending doom.
I have lost all motivation to succeed as a student. I even randomly came across this book in the library the other day that discussed the dropout dilemma of college students. Granted the book was from the 1960's so the information was a little off kilter, but it was still insightful. Some authors believe that a break from college is sometimes the best thing that a student can do....it allows some time to refocus. Not that I'm a actually considering taking a break....but I will confess that the thought has crossed my mind several times. I don't know.....things seem so out of sorts. I seem so out of sorts. I really don't know what to make of it. What to do...what to do....ahhh.
oh well.

barley.

I had some old rolls of film developed. Here's a little of what i found:










I had forgot about that trip to the park. By the way, this is Buffy. She has a tumor on her chest that can't be removed....so I say she has breast cancer...not to be funny...well maybe to make light of an unfortunate problem...but you know what I mean.
I want to buy a book. It's about two kids that get lost in a museum. I read it a long time ago, but can't remember the name.

fall is finally edging closer, but I'm currently angry with the weather. I'm tired of summer....please, please leave! I want fall to come and stay awhile.

I also want some apple cider. yum.

Saturday, on my way back to bg I stopped at the farmer's market and bought another pumpkin and two mums. So, yesterday i watered them. The lady at the market told me not to pour the water directly on top because it would hurt the blooms...so I lifted up the side of this big plant to pour the water directly into the soil.
At this point all is well.
i noticed that the extra water had started to run under one of the pumpkins...so I knelt down to pick it up and as I reached for it I saw, to my horror, that a giant brown/black fuzzy worm had attatched itself to my arm.....aghhhh! I threw the pumpkin down....started screaming and tried to knock it off.
Finally the rascal let go.
I was traumatized.
I hope a neighbor was lucky enough to witness this little performance.
I hate bugs, worms...all crawly things.
so today...i haven't watered the mums yet...don't know if I will.